


You Turned It On For Everyone You Met (But I'm Not Done Yet Falling)

by kh_94



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 18:14:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3498041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kh_94/pseuds/kh_94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura’s eyes widened and she exhaled heavily. “I thought there would be at least one reason for you to stay.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah? And what would that be?”</p><p>Laura could hear the taunting in Carmilla’s voice, which lit a fire in her. “Me. I thought that you would stay for me,” she answered, her voice rising.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Turned It On For Everyone You Met (But I'm Not Done Yet Falling)

Laura unlocked the door to the dorm she shared with Carmilla after a long day of classes, grateful for it to be finally over and that she could just relax with her girlfriend. She stepped into the room and saw Carmilla standing over her bed with her back to the door.

“I’m so ready to just snuggle up with you and force you to watch Buffy with me,” Laura said as she walked to her own bed and dropped her bag on it.

“I thought you had one more class?” Carmilla asked after a moment, still facing away from Laura.

Laura unzipped her bag and began removing her books. “Yeah, but I decided to skip since I’m just too tired. It won’t be hard to catch up on,” she reasoned. “Maybe we should rewatch season one tonight. You know, take it right back to the start,” she mused aloud, still continuing to unpack her bag. “Yeah, I’m in a season one kind of mood. Do we still have any grape soda left? I know you tease me about drinking it but I know you’ve been getting into my stash because there’s no way I could’ve finished that many cans in a few days. It’d be a record, even for me. We should order in some pizza as well. It’s Friday night so we might as well go all out, right?”

Laura put away her textbooks on her book shelf and turned around to face Carmilla. “Carm? Did you hear a word I said?”

It was then that she noticed Carmilla’s giant duffel bag on her bed and that Carmilla was putting her books into it.

“Carmilla? What’s going on?” Laura asked, tentatively stepping over to Carmilla’s side of the room.

“I’m leaving. It’s been fun, cutie, but I’ve got to go,” Carmilla responded, her back still turned towards Laura.

Laura instantly froze. “What- What do you mean?”

Carmilla laughed condescendingly. “It means exactly what I said.”

“But why?”

“It’s time for me to move on,” Carmilla shrugged. “It’s what vampires do.”

Laura tried to make sense of what was happening. “But you haven’t even been here for that long. I knew you would have to leave Styria someday but I thought it would be years from now.” _And I thought you would ask me to go with you_ , she thought to herself.

“There’s no reason for me to stay,” Carmilla said, throwing the last of her clothes into her bag and zipping it up. “Mother and Will are gone so I’m free to go as I please.”

Laura’s eyes widened and she exhaled heavily. “I thought there would be at least one reason for you to stay.”

“Oh, yeah? And what would that be?”

Laura could hear the taunting in Carmilla’s voice, which lit a fire in her. “Me. I thought that you would stay for me,” she answered, her voice rising.

It was only now that Carmilla turned around, a smirk on her face. “Well, I’m sorry I gave you that impression, cutie.”

Now Laura was angry. “Why are you being like this?”

Carmilla furrowed her eyebrows, an amused smile on her lips. “Being like what?”

“This insensitive, uncaring jerk! This isn’t you!”

Carmilla chuckled. “Oh, you really know how to compliment a girl. But I have to disagree with you; I’m being exactly who I am.”

“No, you aren’t! I know this is your ‘thing’ or whatever, that you pretend to not care when you actually do. I know who you are,” Laura argued, stepping closer towards Carmilla.

“Humans are so naïve,” Carmilla commented, shaking her head. “You think being involved with me for one paltry year means you know who I am? A year is not even a dent in my existence. You were fun, cutie, but now I have better things to do.”

“I don’t believe you!” Laura yelled, closing the distance between them so that their faces were now only a few inches apart. “Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away?”

Carmilla sighed. “I am not doing anything. I am simply bored of you and I want to move on. You’re the one who insists on making this difficult.”

Laura shoved Carmilla back by her shoulders. “Stop doing this!”

Carmilla barely stumbled backwards, indifference cloaking her features. She turned around without a word and grabbed her bag, heading for the door.

Laura stepped in front of her. “I am fucking talking to you. You don’t get to just walk out on me. You don’t get to leave without an explanation.”

Carmilla clenched her jaw. “You seem intent on testing my patience, which is wearing thin. You do not get to demand things from me and I do not owe you anything. You are just some girl that I happened upon and who kept me occupied for a year.”

“I don’t get to demand at least an explanation from you? Even if we pretend for a fraction of a second that what you’re saying is true and all this meant nothing to you, you still took up a year of my life. We spent time together, talking and laughing. I fell in love with you. If you had any decency at all then you know you owe me this,” Laura said, her stare unwavering as she held Carmilla’s gaze.

Carmilla looked away and blew out a breath before fixing her eyes back on Laura. “Wow, you’re really not going to let this go, are you? But I should’ve known since you were always annoyingly persistent and you never knew when to let things go. I never cared about you, ok? I mean, the sex was good but you were always just a way for me to waste time. But apparently, I played the role of the doting girlfriend too well, so much so that you believed every second of it, which really just proves the fragility of the human race. I want you to know right now – and I sincerely mean this – that none of it was real and it meant nothing to me.”

Laura’s resolve crumbled a little. “I- I don’t believe you.”

“Shit, I knew you were stubborn but I never bought you for stupid,” Carmilla remarked, slightly exasperated. “You can believe what you want to believe. I’m not going to waste any more energy on this.”

“You said you loved me,” Laura stated, wishing the conviction sounded stronger than it did.

“And I’ve said it to a slew of other girls throughout the years. Doesn’t mean it meant anything.”

Laura could feel her heart caving in on itself. “Why did you pretend to care then? What was the point of this sick game you were playing? You could have left after we killed your mother.”

“Entertainment, testing the stupidity of humans, a lack of anything better to do. You can take your pick.”

Laura was now no longer looking at Carmilla and her eyes were directed towards a spot on the floor, although it didn’t really matter where she looked since her eyes were unfocused.

“Just go,” Laura whispered as the first few tears silently fell down her face.

“Finally,” Carmilla said, stepping around Laura. “It’s been fun, cutie.”

With that, Carmilla headed out the door and closed it behind her. As soon as she heard the door click shut, Laura felt all her energy leave her and she sunk down on the floor, the tears coming freely.

*****

Laura walked into the bar and looked around briefly before catching a glimpse of red hair at the front counter. She smiled and headed over.

“So, I see your hair color hasn’t faded over the years,” Laura commented without preamble.

LaFontaine turned around at the sound of Laura’s voice, grinning when they saw who it was. They stood up quickly and almost tackled Laura in a hug.

“Laura! I’ve missed you!”

Laura laughed. “I’ve missed you, too, LaF. It’s been way too long.”

They separated and Laura took a seat on the stool next to LaF. “Hell yeah. The last time we saw each other was, what, eight years ago?”

“Yeah, right after we graduated. You took me to the airport, remember? We were kind of a mess when we said goodbye,” Laura said, smiling at the memory. As weird as Silas University was, LaF had stayed behind to get their master’s degree and eventually their doctorate, with them getting a position there as a lecturer. Laura had left immediately after graduation and traveled around before settling in Boston.

“Well, it turns out we had a right to be since we’re only just seeing each other again eight years later!”

Laura sighed. “Skype just isn’t the same, is it?”

“It’s better than nothing but no, definitely not the same.”

Laura waved over the bartender and ordered a glass of wine before turning back to LaF. “So, how is it being a hot shot professor? I always forget what you’re teaching, though.”

“Molecular biology,” LaF reminded. “And I’m not a hot shot, just a regular professor.”

“You’re not even thirty yet and they’re talking about promoting you to the deputy head of department. I think that counts as a hot shot,” Laura countered. “And I’m sure there’s a reason you’re the one they flew out here for that fancy conference at MIT.”

LaF simply rolled their eyes in response. “People go to conferences all the time,” they dismissed. “But how’s your job going?”

“It’s not easy but I really love it. The Boston Globe is everything I thought it would be. I mean, getting shit on by senior reporters isn’t that fun but they’ve all been there for years and I’m the newbie, so I guess it comes with the territory,” Laura shrugged. “It’s also really nice to have a steady income instead of living paycheck to paycheck. That’s the one thing I’ll never miss about freelance.”

“I can imagine,” LaF laughed. “I’m glad you’re enjoying it.”

They continued catching up on each other’s lives for the next hour, making easy conversation like they did back in their days at university. Laura was struck by how much she had actually missed LaF now that they were here and although she had made friends in Boston, it just wasn’t the same.

There was lull in the conversation when Laura decided to ask the question that had been on her mind for the last half an hour, even though she knew she shouldn’t.

“Have you heard from Carmilla?”

LaF tilted their head, their eyes softening. “Laura, if she were to contact any of us, why would she contact me and not you?”

“Well, for one thing, she didn’t brutally break up with you and tell you that your whole relationship was a lie.”

“You got me there. But no, she’s never contacted me. I thought you were over all that by now?”

“I am,” Laura insisted. “It’s just… I loved her so much, you know? I don’t think I’ll ever be completely over it. Not with the way things ended.”

LaF nodded. “I get it. But are you seeing anyone right now?”

Laura looked down at the glass of wine in her hand and swirled it around. “No, I’m not.”

“What happened to that last girl you were seeing?” LaF asked, pausing to try and remember her name. “Uh, April or something?”

“Abby,” Laura corrected. “I didn’t really feel anything towards her, and I told her as much. Gently, of course.”

“You’ve said that about pretty much every girl you’ve gone out with since Carmilla,” LaF pointed out.

“I can’t help if I didn’t like them as much as they liked me. It’s not like I can pretend to feel something I don’t,” Laura defended. “Unlike she did.”

“Laura…”

Laura shook her head. “No, it’s ok. I know I sound bitter but I’ve come to terms with it. I just can’t believe I completely fell for it, you know? Either she was that convincing or I’m that gullible.”

“There was no way you could’ve known,” LaF reassured. “We all believed it.”

“But even after all that, I still can’t bring myself to regret the time we spent together,” Laura admitted, chuckling humorlessly. “I don’t regret loving her. How fucking sad is that?”

LaF took a sip of their beer. “Yeah, it is pretty sad.”

Laura looked over at them and elbowed them in the ribs. “You’re such an asshole.”

LaF grinned. “That’s why you love me.”

Laura rolled her eyes, smiling. “Do you want to go back to my apartment and watch a movie or something? We can grab some food along the way.”

“Sounds good to me,” LaF replied, draining the last of their beer and standing up.

Laura finished her wine and followed suit. They stepped outside and the sky was cast in a gorgeous golden color by the sunset. Laura led the way as they turned the corner and headed towards her apartment.

*****

Carmilla stood atop a nearby building, watching as Laura walked with LaFontaine. Even from a distance, Carmilla could tell that they were talking and laughing. Seeing Laura laugh brought a smile to her own face, which felt foreign since Carmilla could count on one hand the number of times she had genuinely smiled in the past few years.

She kept tabs on Laura, although she knew she shouldn’t – it wasn’t good for her sanity, as well it being a gross invasion of Laura’s privacy. But she couldn’t help herself. She knew that Laura had moved to Boston four years ago and that she had got a job at the Boston Globe a year ago. For all intents and purposes, Laura seemed happy, which was enough for Carmilla.

She had seen Laura three times since she walked out on her 10 years ago; once at Laura’s graduation, another time when Laura stayed in Germany for six months, and now here in Boston. It was never enough seeing Laura from afar but it would have to be. Laura deserved to be happy and Carmilla knew she could never be the one to give her that.

Carmilla thought back to when she had left Laura. She had made her decision a month beforehand and she had hid out in the woods that night, not being able to go home and face Laura. When the day arrived, Carmilla could barely breathe. She feigned sleep as Laura woke up and got ready for class, and when Laura had left, Carmilla went over to her side of the room and lied down on her bed. The pillow smelled of Laura’s shampoo and Carmilla buried herself in it, staying there, unmoving for hours, until she knew she had to get up if she wanted to slip out before Laura got back from her last class that day. But it hadn’t gone according to plan since Laura skipped her last class and came back earlier than Carmilla had anticipated. Carmilla steeled herself and knew that she would have to be convincing if she wanted Laura to believe her, so she said anything that she could to get Laura to let her go, although it almost broke her to be so cruel to the girl she loved. It was the hardest thing she ever did in her hundreds of years of existence and she could never forgive herself for the things she said to Laura that day, no matter how much she didn’t mean them.

As much as it hurt, Carmilla never regretted her decision, although there were many times over the years where her resolve almost broke and she wanted nothing more than to go and beg for Laura’s forgiveness. She knew she couldn’t hold Laura back, which she would have done if they had stayed together; relationships could never work out if one half of it didn’t age while the other did, and she knew she didn’t want Laura turning into a vampire for her. Laura deserved to live a human life where she would go through all the milestones, grow old and eventually die. Carmilla couldn’t be the one to take that away from her.

But still, as she stood here watching Laura walk back to her apartment, she felt her heart clench. Her brain knew that she did what she had to do but her heart still hadn’t caught up yet. She didn’t know if it ever would.

No matter how many times she told herself that she did the right thing, it didn’t stop her from wishing that she hadn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know why I write these types of one-shots. It was painful.
> 
> The inspiration for this came from Fool’s Gold by One Direction.


End file.
